so, a while back i took up the post of Power Point Technician at my church because they needed someone and i needed to serve. computer stuff like that comes really easily to me, and i knew that i could serve God and my church family well in that area. my ultimate goal for each and every sunday is to make sure that no one notices the power-point. you know, like, if you are noticing the presentation, then you are not focused on worship, so if i do my job right, the presentation is not even noticed because it is not distracting from the worship at all. the perfectionist in me makes me well suited for the job, but i find myself getting more than a little upset when i mess up. like the slides are out of order, or a verse is missing, or there's a misspelled word, or i don't change the slide fast enough.... some of these aren't even my fault, but it still hits me hard when it goes wrong. like i'm putting this weight on my shoulders, like it will be my fault if people get distracted from praising God. it's so silly, but it feels so real in me. i messed up big-time this last sunday... like, 3 big noticable mistakes happened, and i was so ashamed and embarassed that i left before anyone had the chance to greet me after the service. i know they don't mind. i think. but now that i think about it, i have been quite sloppy these last couple of sundays, and i can identify a couple of reasons, both are selfish and i need to change my attitude about them. the first is about some guy. i always have crushes on really smart guys, and when they also happen to be Christians, that is way awesome. this started as a very silly crush, a bit of a joke, actually, but i find myself to be genuinely hurt that he is practically dating some other girl. this guy, much geekier and socially-unable than i am, has found someone he can talk to for hours and hours. and there's no room for me there; he doesn't need my friendship. i guess i'm not so much upset that he likes this other girl, but that it just pulls that blanket off the back area of my mind where i try to squash back how lonely i am, and how much i want human companionship. i mean, i am alone a lot. i live in a city now, and i'm alone all the time. i go to class. i come home and do homework and read. i went shopping for work clothes the other day, but i was standing in the dressing room realizing that i had no one to give me an honest opinion about how i look in them and if these pants make my butt look good. the second reason i've been distracted from my power-pointing is my voice. i miss my voice. i try to shove my feelings about its loss behind that blanket where my loneliness feelings are, but when i'm sitting there, moving along the words to these songs i used to love to lift up to God with the voice he gave me, that feeling just slips from behind the cover. i am still bitter that i don't have my voice. it hurts me so much , my heart is bursting to join the congregation in song, but if i sing a few notes, that burning, aching feeling returns, and i have to stop. and i want to cry. i miss singing. there are so many songs and hymns that i love to sing in church. but all i can do now is move the words along on the power-point slides. i want my voice back. soo bad. i want to sing. my whole body wants to sing, everything in me. i want to serve my church through the voice i trained for 3.5 years, i want to please God with my singing. but i can't. and that makes me angry sometimes. and sometimes i weep about it. and sometimes i pretend i don't care and that i understand that God took my voice for a reason. but i don't understand. i am ashamed of my doubts about His sovereignty, and my ungratefulness with all i've been blessed with in the last few months. i need to get on my knees and be thankful. i always used to sing hymns after praying. | 
